Around four years ago I stopped working. It was a very hard choice I deliberated on for several months, but the growing remorse and even panic I felt each night as I went to bed gave me my answer. Laying there, reviewing the day, I’d ask if I had marked off all the items on the long to-do list. Sure the kids got feed with all their needs being met, but was I being mindful? Present to the degree I wanted to be? My husband was still traveling each week for a long five days and it just wasn’t possible to move fast enough through the day to get it all done in a way I could be at peace with. If I fail raising the kids, does any other success really matter? There would be time enough to revisit another career another day, afterwards.
And while that later is not quite here, it is sure approaching fast. Back when I made the decision it seemed the kid’s childhood stretched forever into the future. But as any parent of children who have the left the home will most certainly tell you, it goes faster than you can ever imagine or believe. Because of that, here I am on the cusp of that afterwards and a possible next chapter. What does that look like? I have no idea.
First up, rediscover some much needed self-confidence. When most of the other mom’s around you are working there can be judgement for any mom who is not. It’s a fact. One group of people in the world who are some of the most judgemental of their own kind are moms. Truth. Pick a side, any side and feel the rath from the other. The backhanded messaging begins to seep into your psychic.
But luckily I’ve got a big pile of antidotes to pull out at such a time as this. All I need to do is look past my current day to day and revisit some accomplishment of the past. Just open that bag up, pull out a random card and read. Oh, look at this one:
Susie Buffett. To me one day as we worked on a gown for I believe a Guggenheim wedding, in her sweet voice full of a warm smile. “I love working with you even more than I loved working with Oscar de la Renta.” So there. I got that. And I loved working with you too. You were an amazing woman and I walked away from my time designing for you with a whole bundle of little nuggets of wisdom and the knowledge I was way better than good enough for someone pretty damn special.