A few years ago a family friend declared, “it shouldn’t have to be so hard!” while commenting on the state of my relationship with my husband and perhaps, in general, how I was conducting myself through life. Through her life’s lens.
Darling, if you don’t want to take the time to really get to know me, to ask questions or to listen to my stories, you have waived any right to weigh in on my life.
That comment has always irritated me when I think of it. The woman is married to the brother of my (ex) spouse’s sister. Follow? We would see them when the sister and brother-in-law would come to town and sometimes without that incentive, meeting up at a Farmer’s Market with our kids, for dinner, a Sunday morning breakfast, for a hike or a party at their house. Those invites have stopped, and did so before the separation with my husband. (That’s a story I’ll get to soon.) Our last contact was nearly two years ago now with my suggesting we get together for a weekend, just the adults, at our beach house but that email went unanswered and I sent another. I thought this would appeal to them as they don’t have kids, hey, let’s have adult time, we will come to your side of the table! But all of this is besides the point. In the end they had their lifestyle and way of conducting themselves and we had ours, and despite the family connection there wasn’t enough commonality to form a lasting bond.
Which kind of brings me back to the reason I wanted to write this post. As I tell my stories here, each could be seen as a piece in a very large puzzle. As story upon story is written another piece of the puzzle is set in place, gradually helping the larger picture emerge, becoming more clear, legible and perhaps most importantly, understandable. Mostly for me. But perhaps in a way for others, or a helpful lens for me to process how others may see me or react to me. Hey, I know you don’t get me. How could you? My actions make no apparent sense to you? Why would I react that way, or make that decision, or say those words, or hold these beliefs? From your point of reference they may seem chaotic, random, sometimes immature, erratic, even irresponsible. But there is sense in it all, if you could only see me through the lens of all these stories it would become crystal clear exactly who I am and how nothing I do or say should be a surprise to you.
Very few people make that kind of investment in another. But until you do, you really have no right to weigh in on my life because you have no idea what you are saying.