Forgiveness

Until not long ago I was stuck in looking at the harsher challenges of my life with the question of “why?” Why did that have to happen? Why did I have to endure those hurts and incredible betrayals? “OMG Janell, just look at the lingering effects and setbacks those experiences continue to bring to your life, just imagine where you could be instead had those forces not been in play!” At this point in the thought process my mind would wander, thinking of various people, where they are at in their work, their life, so much further down the line than me at a younger age. “Well, I’d be there too if it wasn’t for being so messed up and distracted with pain all these years!”

Then slowly – gratefully – my mindset has began to shift and I believe this has been possible as I have begun to start living in a place of forgiveness. Through forgiving I finally can begin to accept and understand that this is the exact life I have been meant to live. From this place  of acceptance I can now see that my job at this moment is to continue to heal and explore what is next for me. What am I supposed to do from here? I don’t know, but I’m open to letting answers unfold.

To forgive is not a simple process. You can’t just wake up one morning and decide to forgive someone, not without all the work that is necessary to get to the point where to forgive a person comes from a truly genuine place. Depending on what needs to be forgiven, it can require a serious amount of work to arrive at the place where true forgiveness is even possible. And to forgive is not the same as forgetting. I will never be able to forget the things that a small handful of people believed it was in their right to do to me. But I can release my hate, accept I can’t change what was done and in some instances look at the situation from their point of view for some perspective and clarity. To forgive is in essence is for yourself, I believe, not for the person who inflicted the wrong. As long as you remain in a place where forgiveness is not possible you continue to live in a place of hurt with you continuing to pay the price. Often, and this has been the case for me, the people that you forgive may have had no ability to honestly and fully own their actions. If I waited for true acknowledgment, and even restitution, moving forward to a healthier place would never be available to me.

I imagine everyone’s process of arriving at a place of forgiveness is different. I’m sure there are exhaustive studies on this topic, and I should probably do some research before writing about it. But instead I’m speaking from my experience. First I had to explore my relationship with the person who hurt me very closely, to replay the scenes as honestly as I could, holding compassion and forgiveness for myself as I did so. I did not deserve that. I could not have prevented it. I coped in the ways available to me and I will no longer beat myself up for them. Instead I will be grateful I was able to access and create ways to cope that allowed me to survive.

Then comes anger. Fury. Real rage. I recall driving home from the beach a couple years ago, listening to Nirvana, replaying scenes in my head while shouting “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you had no right to do that, I hate you” over and over again until the words and tears began to release my pain. (And yes, I was alone in the car.)

As a side note, at this point I had the strength to confront a couple individuals directly that I still had contact with. That’s not always possible for a wide range of reasons, or even appropriate, and you have to be ready for a response that may not be to your liking. You couldn’t control their actions in the past and you will not be able to control them now. It’s vital to be ready to accept that whatever they give back to you in response may be all you are ever going to get.

I then sat with that awhile, not only their responses but the anger that allowed me to finally face them. These emotions and acts changed the way I saw that person, and myself. Now I was strong, not defenseless, now I’m defending myself and setting up, even if in retrospect, boundaries to protect myself.

And slowly, after living there for awhile, the degree of emotional involvement began to fade. So first, I laid out the stories of all that had happened as clearly and concisely as I could recall, forgiving myself and having gratitude for the habits and coping mechanisms I had developed and employed to make sure I got through those times, next permitting and giving myself permission to feel all the anger I needed to experience and confront people as was possible and necessary. Interestingly what followed was a period of quiet. I was worn out. I was spent. I had no more energy to invest in this story.

Then, and only then I believe – or have personally experienced – can forgiveness begin to take shape. It’s a release. A long sigh that goes on for the longest period of time until you are drained of the poison that used to fill your heart. You look up and see the person differently. The how varies depending on the person, what is forgiven and if you still have contact with them or if they are even alive.

This is where I am now, in varying stages for each person I’m in the process of forgiving. Some I do have relationships with, and with those I’ve installed a significant amount of distance and boundaries around how I will interact with them in the present. I will say this is incredibly tricky and there are a lot of variables that go into deciding if there will be contact in the future. It’s a series of choices, each needing to be weighed carefully with full acknowledgment of why such decisions are being made and to what end. I’m not sure what is next because I haven’t arrived there yet. But I can say that slowly being able to forgive is the very thing that is setting me free to live my life, to begin to understand and accept my life as it is and not what I had hoped it would be for so many years.

This was a heavy post to write that I feel on the fence about posting. Who the hell do you think you are sharing this stuff? What gives you the right? Why so incredibly serious girl?! But I am going to post, because it is my right to do so. For so long I held my silence because it was expected of me. And now I don’t have to, because I’m owning my life, all of it and it’s okay. I can take something dark and make it lighter by whether I choose to hide or live in the open.

I’m giving myself – and anyone of you that can relate and have been here – a big old high five!