I think I’m done with the chase

I believe I’m done with the chase. I could change my mind, I always give myself that option under certain circumstances. But seriously, I think I’m done with the chase of a big eye popping career, of making something amazing happen. I’ve done that. The problem is I don’t acknowledge it or even remember those accomplishments because they are not here now. Because those ventures came to an end or I opted to take another route, that shouldn’t negate the amazing accomplishments I did have. The ones I worked my ass off for. I’m proud of my efforts and what I built. I mostly have no regrets.

Yet here’s the thing. I listen to a podcast on one topic but then the next ones starts to play and it’s an interview of some woman who is a rock star in her field, and how to accomplish the same. Or I attend a conference of bloggers to help a friend run the thing, even though I left this arena years ago, but now am once more exposed to all that ambition (oh so exhausting, I have to say,) and I feel tension and the sense of missing out rising up my spine. My breath becomes short and I begin to feel worry, and a lot of doubt. “Do I really have to start over? Do I have to try again? Why couldn’t I have reached the top? I should try again!” NO. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRY AGAIN! AND YOU DID REACH “THE TOP!” Girl, stop for a second, look at all the dreams you had and how you made them come true through sheer will power and force of effort, day after day after day of getting up at five, often not laying your head back down on the pillow until after midnight. You burned that candle as low as it could possibly go, you had amazing determination and will to succeed and you did, on your terms, with no one giving you a ride. It’s enough. You don’t have to go back there. It’s a new season of your life, and it’s completely okay to feel literally ill at the thought you should try to do it all over again.

If I could just remember and fully own all that I have accomplished. Seriously?! What is wrong with me? What is wrong with so many of us women, that we discount, discount, discount while brushing aside the results of our labors? This has got to stop.

So this is what I accomplished. On paper. Acknowledged. I wanted to become a fashion designer and I did. I returned to school attending the courses in the fashion department of the school I had previously received my BFA from. I wanted a concrete skill to be able to put into action out in the working world. Painting wasn’t going to cut it for me. The last year of the three year program I ran out of funds to continue, but the teachers leading the program met and came up with an offer. I could continue attending all the courses during the final year for free, unregistered. With no formal registration I would not receive a degree. But I already had that, so there was literally no downside. I had returned simply to take the fashion degree classes to gain the skills to realize my dream. “We think you have the potential to do very well in this field and we want to ensure you have that chance.” It was an amazing gift and I worked even harder that last year to show my appreciation. After completing the program I worked for a year as a design assistant at childrens wear company before going out on my own. I launched this new clothing line by designing and creating a line of samples, taking them around to boutiques in the area until I got my first orders. I went on to design and manufacture a line of women’s apparel for 12 years, selling to dozens of stores throughout the country, being featured in many magazines including WWD. That first cover, (there were two) I screamed the most amazingly delighted scream of my life upon opening the mail box to see MY OUTFIT ON THE COVER! It was a ring the bell at the top of the ladder moment, absolutely.

A few years in I moved from Chicago to San Francisco, and as it had always been my dream to operate a boutique I found a way to make that happen. Prior to the move I had landed a technical design job for a manufacturer in the city, working on patterns, but after a few weeks I knew I would suffocate from boredom in such a role. Every morning on my walk to the bus I passed a store with a for rent sign on it. One day I called and a couple weeks later I was setting up shop. After manufacturing for so long I felt removed from the end customer and knew this would be a great next venture for me. I ran this studio on Fillmore street for several years, attracting some amazing clients. Susan Buffet, wife of Warren Buffet for one. I designed and created her special occasion wardrobe for years, along with several other notable residents of this city which had no shortage of fancy affairs requiring fancy wear. None of this came easy, beginning with getting the education to make it all happen. I worked full time while while in fashion school, in retail, and one night a week with rare exception I’d overnight in the classroom studio to make sure I stayed on top of all my projects. Working until 7 in the morning, I’d then take a bus home to shower and get dressed for work, catching a return bus back downtown for a full days work. Later when I ran my manufacturing company it would not be uncommon for me to go three to four months without a day off, with my days reaching from early morning until after midnight the next day. Same with the studio, though the hours calmed down a bit. But working seven days a week was not unheard of. I lived, breathed and dreamed my business.

Then I became a mom and took a break. I closed up shop, enjoyed the amazing gift of being pregnant and raising a precious baby. Until I became ambitious all over again, and decided to try to do both. If I work hard enough and smart enough I can do both, I can be an amazing mom and I can build another business (all the while with a husband gone five days a week each and every week, traveling for work.) No problem! All that energy I had once put into fashion I poured into interior design. My own home, then friends who visited my home, then a blog, then writing for HGTV.com and HOUZZ, then publishing an online magazine. Until I couldn’t take it another second. My life was rushing by. No, my kids lives were rushing by me and I was not making the time to notice. STOP! And I did. My second run at a pretty amazing career came to a welcome end, by my choice.

Now I’m a few years into this season of my life. I call it the “pay attention to the kids, finish raising them well: if you fail at this it doesn’t matter what else you accomplish,” phase. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. I am grateful I stepped out of the race. I still haven’t parented to the level I dream of, but I’m still striving for that. And if I’m falling a bit short even now, when it is my focus, can you even imagine what I’d be saying now if I was still working every open second I could find?

Circling back to the start of this, listening to all the how to’s, how this girl accomplished this amazing thing, and built that, it’s exhausting to take in. And the technology?! I’ve been left behind since stepping off the treadmill just a few short years ago, it’s as if I’m 90 and have never used a computer while all the kids running the show now have a universe of technology skills that they seem to have been born with. I don’t get how much of it works and the idea of trying to keep up and adopt it all to get back in the race…

No. I don’t want to. And I don’t have to. I want to work a bit, I need to create a level of income, at something I enjoy. Use my brain. Use my skills, parlay my life and experiences into something of value for myself and maybe a few others. But to want to climb to the top, or even to shoot for the first night’s base camp? OMG. No. And it’s okay. See, this is the thing, this is the reason for the post. I don’t have to. You don’t have to. If you want to that’s awesome, but if you don’t want to that’s an amazing gift to give yourself, the gift of enough. It’s enough to just be. Yet the airwaves are filled with so much ground breaking achievement by apparently average every day people, that there is an overwhelming message that you are coming up short if you are not also striving for similar heights.

Yet, listen. It is enough to live your life in a beautiful, productive and healthy way for yourself, your family, your friends and community around you. Or maybe just on your own. Who says you have to have a lot of people around you. If you want that great, if you are content with a few or one even, you are awesome. I just had to get this out there, for myself. I love listening to the great things women are accomplishing, I admire it and I learn and am even entertained by it. But I want to release the other bit that comes along with the hearing these stories: that I as I have been and as I am now is not enough. It’s just not true, and I’m releasing myself of these expectations for myself. You can too. Or not. Go climb that mountain if that is your desire. It’s a choice that is only wrong if it isn’t the path for you.