Do you feel lonely? If so, what does that mean to you? Why are you lonely? Are you lonely when you are literally on your own, or are you lonely when you are around and with others? There are different kinds of lonely I’m thinking.
I feel incredibly lonely at times, being on my own with the kids, no longer living with a man. But guess what? I believe I was equally if not more alone while in my marriage. Friday nights were particularly hard. Wait, tonight is Friday night. Oh…I got it! This is most likely the reason I opened my computer and began to write on this topic.
What is it about Friday night? Or other days on the calendar and times on the clock that predicate we should really, if we are living our best lives, be out and about being actively social? And if we are not at these moments, what does that say about ourselves, how does not having plans make us feel?
After a long week Friday night has always seemed like an evening that should have a sense of celebration about it, in at least some small way. Dinner out, drinks with friends before heading home, a movie out with the family, a casual potluck dinner with a family in the neighborhood. As the years went by and the kids started developing their independent groups of friends away from the family social circle, I found myself more often than not lacking plans for this transition moment of the week, other than assisting my kids with their plans; driving, picking up, or opening up the home to their tribe. After everyone would get settled into their nights agenda I often found myself slipping into the bedroom, getting under a throw blanket to read a book or watch a show on my iPad. Often with a glass a wine, that helped create a sense I was rewarding myself for getting through another week. That was a good Friday. Other times, the not so great nights, a tray filled with treats would be set on the nightstand next to the glass of wine. The reality that another week had passed and that on this night I had no plans, it was more than I could take. When was my life as I desired it going to begin? When will I be living in a way that feels full and complete? With no answer or prospect of different on the horizon, I would look to food to fill me up, numbing myself as a shield against the disappointment and sadness which was more than I wished to experience in that moment.
(Now don’t get me wrong. A night cozying up with a great book or movie, plus a delicious glass of rich merlot? That can be a slice of heaven for a busy woman! Two hours of peace and quiet, to myself, before slipping into an early night of sleep, pure heaven! Yes, absolutely, if it’s a choice, not a default in the absence of meaningful connection with others.)
When these nights came I used to tell myself, “If the kids are happy, I’m happy!” And there is a lot of truth to this statement. It’s how we operate as mothers, we know our most important role is to guide our children into a life where they are in a good place. On these nights if the kids were getting what they needed and wanted, I tried to let that be enough. But there was a nagging sense that this could not sustain me and just look at the time?! They are growing up faster than I even realize in the moment I’m saying it, they will be out of the house in mere moments, and then what? Am I going to be content with a life where my partner is up in his office doing whatever he does in there, while I try to distract myself with screen time, wine and maybe a few or more of those bars? And I would talk about this. I’d say, “hey, we should really make an effort to create connection now, we can’t wait until they are leaving the house, it’ll be too late by then.”
The thing is, I’m lonely now. But to be lonely in a marriage is a soul hollowing sensation. To be lonely next to another person is, I have to say, far worse than being lonely on your own. These Friday nights I’m on my own and it can be lonely, but I’m not drinking wine. Not that there’s anything wrong with enjoying a glass of wine. I’m just not drinking at this time in my life, when I’m at my house alone or with the kids. I don’t see how that would assist me in any way. But most importantly, I’m not binging in an attempt to hide from the fact I’m lonely.
Instead, I’m looking at the lonely. What is that? What does it really mean. It’s a feeling, it’s a state of mind I allow myself to drift into. I have always had the ability to enjoy my own company, to work on my own in businesses, to travel alone, to work fixing up houses on my own, to even parent on my own. I’m good at alone and it is a great blessing, if you can be comfortable on your own, entertain and amuse yourself not depending on others for distraction, that’s a true blessing. It’s just when it becomes the too often norm, that it stops being a choice and instead a state of being as a condition of your life situation. That is when it can get a bit tough. A lot tough at moments! Tears streaming down my face in yoga tough. But I believe the key is acceptance, that this is a necessary phase of my life and what can I learn from it? What must I learn from it? I truly believe this is everything. I got myself here, how do I get myself out? What was my contribution that brought me to this point? What choices and actions created this life? What are the different choices I need to make from this point on to see a different outcome?
I look forward to writing from the other side, but until then, I’m being my own best friend and if you find yourself in a similar state, can you be your best friend as well?
rest heal grow 