Author: Rest Heal Grow

I knew I’d get here someday. I was born with a streak of I’ll show you and a dose of eternal optimism. Both have served me well. But for the longest time I didn’t know why all that happened had to happen. But then I did. I chose it. To become who I am. I wouldn’t be this version of myself without the storm that came before. I thank the gods this finally clicked, prior, victimhood had been a familiar place. It still attempts to court me, but I know its lies.

My father was a preacher with demons in his heart, I was his scapegoat. The physical and psychological abuse layered upon me somehow allowed our family to function, in sorts. Hearing his words from the pulpit in sharp contrast to the reality I bore. A mind fuck, his voice the voice of god. And my mother. Protecting him, and as a result herself, over me, a woman of her era. A heart fuck. Aren’t mothers supposed to be the source of safe love?

But finally, the hour I had held onto as a life jacket arrived, and I ran. Into the arms of a man who didn’t know how to hold me any better. And another. Then another.

Until I finally ran towards myself, listening to what remained. Everything thing else had failed, the running towards something, anything outside myself, believing there might lie a salvation, removal of the pain. But instead, finally I faced my own reflection, my part, my work. And so I began.

The truth of what exists, what is present and available to all of us in any moment, is so much more than what we have been conditioned to believe by the systems running our modern lives. Stay busy they say, adopt the ideology of acquisition as a measure of value and success! This chasing is inevitably followed by the numbing required to escape the stress such a life brings. Caught in such a loop you too will begin to believe that what you see, in front of your hand, is all there is. Black and white, concrete objects, facts are facts with solid impermeable surfaces, no magic, no play, no wild spirit whispering immeasurable beauty.

To hear the movement below these constructed facades requires quiet, to become still, to sink in to attentive listening with both one’s eyes and spirit wide open. Random occurrences cease to be perceived as accidents, an unseen world is being spun and woven into a vibrant tapestry, continually, with or without our seeing.

Practice with me. Sit, observe, feel, listen, deeper, can you sense the space around your body? Close your eyes, take in a breath, release it, what resides in the texture of the air? Is there weight, a lightness, a presence of something or someone, a color, a temperature, a scent, a movement? Stay for longer, practice becoming aware of each sense. Can you take this awareness into your days and nights. And when you forget, can you remind yourself again?

We are not alone. There are guides alongside us continually, attempting to grab our attention as we spin. Stop, say hello. Their voices, carrying messages that hold the power to encourage, inform and delight may not be heard at first, but be persistent, return to awareness and quiet as often as possible. See what may possibly unfold, an unseen world of magic is waiting.

Be wild my woman. Why do you hold back, play small, dim yourself and your light, needing to do the right, the proper thing? To be a good girl. A good woman. Is this what you want for yourself?

Throw out anything and everything that screams good girl to the world. What do you say, do, wear – that when you hear, observe or catch a glimpse of yourself – is a watered down version of yourself, made palatable for other’s consumption? Toss it aside. Now. What are you waiting for? Be brave, be fierce, care not what others may think, it is not their life. They do not know your journey, the fight that only you can recall in detail, required to get to this day.

This life is yours, earned, the ticket in your hand beckons you to step in, fully! Don’t try to bring anyone along who will exact judgement for your choices. Whatever you desire and decide, these choices are yours and only yours, embrace what arises from the deepest recesses of your soul. This is your wild woman calling, to take and become.

Nov 23, 2018

As I go through this incredible period of change there is so much to figure out, to make sense of, with decisions to be made about the future and how to proceed in the healthiest ways possible so as to create a road map for a successful future. It is enough to make my head spin! A friend says I have no business thinking past the week I’m currently in, and while that would probably be helpful, I am having a hard time staying focused on the now I’m sitting in.

There’s a reason for that. I’m exceedingly concerned about what is going to become of me. And the one thing I absolutely don’t want to become is a tragedy. That could very well happen without the proper work and focus, for sure. See below:

Exhibit A:
Here we have a 57 year old woman with a failed marriage and a rough childhood, who after several attempts at finding the next right steps and direction for her life continues to be mired under self-doubt and confusion, leading her to fall short of the potential her life once held.

It feels that if I am not very very careful this is what could become of me. A wasted life of failure, never quite being able to heal from my original wounds to live a vibrantly fulfilled life with real meaning.

On the other hand, however, lies beautiful grace and potential. If I do the work required, if I honestly face my part of the messes I’ve found myself in while rejecting responsibility for all the rest, if I slowly uncover what is required to heal, if I listen to myself very clearly to be able to accurately discover exactly what I should be putting my energies into, then I have a chance at a vibrant future. That is what I dearly want, and I’m up for the work. Saying a big prayer for myself tonight.

I grew up being trained to live with a sense of dread. Ours was a conservative, religious household where the fear of God was drilled into us from a very young age. He could be a vengeful God, watching your every step. If you made a choice that was not to his liking, punishment was something you could bank on. The discipline within the household took its cues from this doctrine. This environment created fear and uncertainty because I could not predict what the reaction might be to any of my actions. While there was a long list of clear cut rules it was demanded I live by, often other seemingly innocent behavior was often judged to be sinful as well, and thus also punished. So as the years went by fear became a constant just under the surface. Be careful, bad is around any corner.

This mindset remains buried deep within my subconscious despite years of therapy and effort to free myself from irrational fears and the ever looming sense that something bad is about to happen. It can be a beautiful day, I can have plans that I am looking forward to, or have just come from a positive experience when fear can begin to seep in.

It helps tremendously to have routine and pattern, to get to yoga everyday, to be productive, to eat well, to stop and rationalize fears when they arise, to intentionally decide to resist negative thoughts and proactively replace them with gratitude. Moving from the random sense of bad to shift focus onto something specific and positive in which I can believe in. To also guard against negative messaging via any media I might come into contact with is huge. Yes, it is exhausting and it drains me. But at the same time I am determined to beat this beast. Do you have any similar thoughts that come into your day, bringing it down? Is there any advice you can share? What has helped for you?

There are moments after I post something here that I’m tempted to return and hit the delete button. Was that too much? Was that inappropriate? Will there be ramifications for writing down one of my thoughts or experiences? But then I try to slow myself down, to not live in reaction mode, but to sit in whatever it is happening at that moment that has me questioning myself or has me drifting into fear mode. As long as I am being authentic and honest, as long as I am not looking to throw someone under the bus for the sake of feeling better about myself – that always backfires! – then I can and must give myself the freedom to write what my heart leads me to share.

So just let go. Let go of how you have thought everything has had to be. Let go of needing to direct with a strong hand the unfolding of what’s next. Slow down for a moment to see what is in this moment, just this exact moment, not earlier, not what is coming tomorrow. Is everything okay? Is there anything you can do, right now, to make this moment good? This moment of good will lead to and influence the potential for the next moment of good.

Sometimes we are not in a position to make a big gesture, but there is infinite power in one positive moment that can quickly becomes a dozen, then a hundred and before you know it, thousands of bits of good. This can add up to big change. Like when you hear of that overnight sensation, the overnight success? No, that was thousands of small efforts that finally added up to something.

So don’t get overwhelmed by the big picture, the steps you’ll need to take next month or next year. You are not there yet and most likely are not equipped with all you will need to be armed with to step into that decision, those actions. Give yourself grace regarding this, otherwise the steps that are too big for you in this moment can easily paralyze you, preventing you from acting on the possibility that exists today.

Maybe it’s getting out of your head for a minute. My head is always planning, analyzing, predicting, working overtime to figure it all out so I can live in a sense of safety. If I were to look back, very few of those well thought out road maps where ever driven down. Seriously. So right now I’m reminding myself to live today in today, with faith that doing so will lead me in the most authentic and nature way to where I’m supposed to go.

As a follow up to yesterday’s post on being lonely I wanted to share this quote from Mark Groves. It’s vital we provide the love and company we desire to ourselves first, rather than set out on a search for people to fill up the empty cervices within us. If we pursue others from a place of want, of lacking, we will surely find ourselves connecting with those that are not truly the people we need to be spending our days with. By filling ourselves first with support, with love, we will have a much better chance to connect with others on this healthier level.

Do you feel lonely? If so, what does that mean to you? Why are you lonely? Are you lonely when you are literally on your own, or are you lonely when you are around and with others? There are different kinds of lonely I’m thinking.

I feel incredibly lonely at times, being on my own with the kids, no longer living with a man. But guess what? I believe I was equally if not more alone while in my marriage. Friday nights were particularly hard. Wait, tonight is Friday night. Oh…I got it! This is most likely the reason I opened my computer and began to write on this topic.

What is it about Friday night? Or other days on the calendar and times on the clock that predicate we should really, if we are living our best lives, be out and about being actively social? And if we are not at these moments, what does that say about ourselves, how does not having plans make us feel?

After a long week Friday night has always seemed like an evening that should have a sense of celebration about it, in at least some small way. Dinner out, drinks with friends before heading home, a movie out with the family, a casual potluck dinner with a family in the neighborhood. As the years went by and the kids started developing their independent groups of friends away from the family social circle, I found myself more often than not lacking plans for this transition moment of the week, other than assisting my kids with their plans; driving, picking up, or opening up the home to their tribe. After everyone would get settled into their nights agenda I often found myself slipping into the bedroom, getting under a throw blanket to read a book or watch a show on my iPad. Often with a glass a wine, that helped create a sense I was rewarding myself for getting through another week. That was a good Friday. Other times, the not so great nights, a tray filled with treats would be set on the nightstand next to the glass of wine. The reality that another week had passed and that on this night I had no plans, it was more than I could take. When was my life as I desired it going to begin? When will I be living in a way that feels full and complete? With no answer or prospect of different on the horizon, I would look to food to fill me up, numbing myself as a shield against the disappointment and sadness which was more than I wished to experience in that moment.

(Now don’t get me wrong. A night cozying up with a great book or movie, plus a delicious glass of rich merlot? That can be a slice of heaven for a busy woman! Two hours of peace and quiet, to myself, before slipping into an early night of sleep, pure heaven! Yes, absolutely, if it’s a choice, not a default in the absence of meaningful connection with others.)

When these nights came I used to tell myself, “If the kids are happy, I’m happy!” And there is a lot of truth to this statement. It’s how we operate as mothers, we know our most important role is to guide our children into a life where they are in a good place. On these nights if the kids were getting what they needed and wanted, I tried to let that be enough. But there was a nagging sense that this could not sustain me and just look at the time?! They are growing up faster than I even realize in the moment I’m saying it, they will be out of the house in mere moments, and then what? Am I going to be content with a life where my partner is up in his office doing whatever he does in there, while I try to distract myself with screen time, wine and maybe a few or more of those bars? And I would talk about this. I’d say, “hey, we should really make an effort to create connection now, we can’t wait until they are leaving the house, it’ll be too late by then.”

The thing is, I’m lonely now. But to be lonely in a marriage is a soul hollowing sensation. To be lonely next to another person is, I have to say, far worse than being lonely on your own. These Friday nights I’m on my own and it can be lonely, but I’m not drinking wine. Not that there’s anything wrong with enjoying a glass of wine. I’m just not drinking at this time in my life, when I’m at my house alone or with the kids. I don’t see how that would assist me in any way. But most importantly, I’m not binging in an attempt to hide from the fact I’m lonely.

Instead, I’m looking at the lonely. What is that? What does it really mean. It’s a feeling, it’s a state of mind I allow myself to drift into. I have always had the ability to enjoy my own company, to work on my own in businesses, to travel alone, to work fixing up houses on my own, to even parent on my own. I’m good at alone and it is a great blessing, if you can be comfortable on your own, entertain and amuse yourself not depending on others for distraction, that’s a true blessing. It’s just when it becomes the too often norm, that it stops being a choice and instead a state of being as a condition of your life situation. That is when it can get a bit tough. A lot tough at moments! Tears streaming down my face in yoga tough. But I believe the key is acceptance, that this is a necessary phase of my life and what can I learn from it? What must I learn from it? I truly believe this is everything. I got myself here, how do I get myself out? What was my contribution that brought me to this point? What choices and actions created this life? What are the different choices I need to make from this point on to see a different outcome?

I look forward to writing from the other side, but until then, I’m being my own best friend and if you find yourself in a similar state, can you be your best friend as well?

I believe I’m done with the chase. I could change my mind, I always give myself that option under certain circumstances. But seriously, I think I’m done with the chase of a big eye popping career, of making something amazing happen. I’ve done that. The problem is I don’t acknowledge it or even remember those accomplishments because they are not here now. Because those ventures came to an end or I opted to take another route, that shouldn’t negate the amazing accomplishments I did have. The ones I worked my ass off for. I’m proud of my efforts and what I built. I mostly have no regrets.

Yet here’s the thing. I listen to a podcast on one topic but then the next ones starts to play and it’s an interview of some woman who is a rock star in her field, and how to accomplish the same. Or I attend a conference of bloggers to help a friend run the thing, even though I left this arena years ago, but now am once more exposed to all that ambition (oh so exhausting, I have to say,) and I feel tension and the sense of missing out rising up my spine. My breath becomes short and I begin to feel worry, and a lot of doubt. “Do I really have to start over? Do I have to try again? Why couldn’t I have reached the top? I should try again!” NO. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRY AGAIN! AND YOU DID REACH “THE TOP!” Girl, stop for a second, look at all the dreams you had and how you made them come true through sheer will power and force of effort, day after day after day of getting up at five, often not laying your head back down on the pillow until after midnight. You burned that candle as low as it could possibly go, you had amazing determination and will to succeed and you did, on your terms, with no one giving you a ride. It’s enough. You don’t have to go back there. It’s a new season of your life, and it’s completely okay to feel literally ill at the thought you should try to do it all over again.

If I could just remember and fully own all that I have accomplished. Seriously?! What is wrong with me? What is wrong with so many of us women, that we discount, discount, discount while brushing aside the results of our labors? This has got to stop.

So this is what I accomplished. On paper. Acknowledged. I wanted to become a fashion designer and I did. I returned to school attending the courses in the fashion department of the school I had previously received my BFA from. I wanted a concrete skill to be able to put into action out in the working world. Painting wasn’t going to cut it for me. The last year of the three year program I ran out of funds to continue, but the teachers leading the program met and came up with an offer. I could continue attending all the courses during the final year for free, unregistered. With no formal registration I would not receive a degree. But I already had that, so there was literally no downside. I had returned simply to take the fashion degree classes to gain the skills to realize my dream. “We think you have the potential to do very well in this field and we want to ensure you have that chance.” It was an amazing gift and I worked even harder that last year to show my appreciation. After completing the program I worked for a year as a design assistant at childrens wear company before going out on my own. I launched this new clothing line by designing and creating a line of samples, taking them around to boutiques in the area until I got my first orders. I went on to design and manufacture a line of women’s apparel for 12 years, selling to dozens of stores throughout the country, being featured in many magazines including WWD. That first cover, (there were two) I screamed the most amazingly delighted scream of my life upon opening the mail box to see MY OUTFIT ON THE COVER! It was a ring the bell at the top of the ladder moment, absolutely.

A few years in I moved from Chicago to San Francisco, and as it had always been my dream to operate a boutique I found a way to make that happen. Prior to the move I had landed a technical design job for a manufacturer in the city, working on patterns, but after a few weeks I knew I would suffocate from boredom in such a role. Every morning on my walk to the bus I passed a store with a for rent sign on it. One day I called and a couple weeks later I was setting up shop. After manufacturing for so long I felt removed from the end customer and knew this would be a great next venture for me. I ran this studio on Fillmore street for several years, attracting some amazing clients. Susan Buffet, wife of Warren Buffet for one. I designed and created her special occasion wardrobe for years, along with several other notable residents of this city which had no shortage of fancy affairs requiring fancy wear. None of this came easy, beginning with getting the education to make it all happen. I worked full time while while in fashion school, in retail, and one night a week with rare exception I’d overnight in the classroom studio to make sure I stayed on top of all my projects. Working until 7 in the morning, I’d then take a bus home to shower and get dressed for work, catching a return bus back downtown for a full days work. Later when I ran my manufacturing company it would not be uncommon for me to go three to four months without a day off, with my days reaching from early morning until after midnight the next day. Same with the studio, though the hours calmed down a bit. But working seven days a week was not unheard of. I lived, breathed and dreamed my business.

Then I became a mom and took a break. I closed up shop, enjoyed the amazing gift of being pregnant and raising a precious baby. Until I became ambitious all over again, and decided to try to do both. If I work hard enough and smart enough I can do both, I can be an amazing mom and I can build another business (all the while with a husband gone five days a week each and every week, traveling for work.) No problem! All that energy I had once put into fashion I poured into interior design. My own home, then friends who visited my home, then a blog, then writing for HGTV.com and HOUZZ, then publishing an online magazine. Until I couldn’t take it another second. My life was rushing by. No, my kids lives were rushing by me and I was not making the time to notice. STOP! And I did. My second run at a pretty amazing career came to a welcome end, by my choice.

Now I’m a few years into this season of my life. I call it the “pay attention to the kids, finish raising them well: if you fail at this it doesn’t matter what else you accomplish,” phase. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. I am grateful I stepped out of the race. I still haven’t parented to the level I dream of, but I’m still striving for that. And if I’m falling a bit short even now, when it is my focus, can you even imagine what I’d be saying now if I was still working every open second I could find?

Circling back to the start of this, listening to all the how to’s, how this girl accomplished this amazing thing, and built that, it’s exhausting to take in. And the technology?! I’ve been left behind since stepping off the treadmill just a few short years ago, it’s as if I’m 90 and have never used a computer while all the kids running the show now have a universe of technology skills that they seem to have been born with. I don’t get how much of it works and the idea of trying to keep up and adopt it all to get back in the race…

No. I don’t want to. And I don’t have to. I want to work a bit, I need to create a level of income, at something I enjoy. Use my brain. Use my skills, parlay my life and experiences into something of value for myself and maybe a few others. But to want to climb to the top, or even to shoot for the first night’s base camp? OMG. No. And it’s okay. See, this is the thing, this is the reason for the post. I don’t have to. You don’t have to. If you want to that’s awesome, but if you don’t want to that’s an amazing gift to give yourself, the gift of enough. It’s enough to just be. Yet the airwaves are filled with so much ground breaking achievement by apparently average every day people, that there is an overwhelming message that you are coming up short if you are not also striving for similar heights.

Yet, listen. It is enough to live your life in a beautiful, productive and healthy way for yourself, your family, your friends and community around you. Or maybe just on your own. Who says you have to have a lot of people around you. If you want that great, if you are content with a few or one even, you are awesome. I just had to get this out there, for myself. I love listening to the great things women are accomplishing, I admire it and I learn and am even entertained by it. But I want to release the other bit that comes along with the hearing these stories: that I as I have been and as I am now is not enough. It’s just not true, and I’m releasing myself of these expectations for myself. You can too. Or not. Go climb that mountain if that is your desire. It’s a choice that is only wrong if it isn’t the path for you.