Numbing

I had become an extreme pro in the art of numbing over the years. Why feel anything that’s too much when a wide range of habits are at our fingertips for quick, easy and efficient numbing!

Sad? Numb. Angry? Numb. Depressed? Definitely numb. Stressed, anxious? Numb. Even feeling too much excitement or anticipation of something really good can prove to be more than one can comfortably feel, so bring on the numbing!

My favorite tools for numbing have been:

Food. Big time. This habit has been incredibly hard to stop despite years of trying, so I am incredibly grateful to be seeing significant healing in this area of late. It’s a big go-to numbing tool for so many of us! It’s socially acceptable to eat (as opposed to so many other numbing agents) and is always there for us. It can become like a constant friend of comfort. They only problem is that after offering up comfort, it turns on us leaving us feeling worse and in shame after eating our emotions.

T.V. Nothing like zoning out on someone else’s life or a session of mindless entertainment to be removed from your own worries.

Online Distractions. A vast and bottomless hole to get lost in.

Work. Until exhaustion hits, definitely a “productive” way to avoid what is going on around you.

Shopping. So many promises of the ideal life awaiting us through a session of shopping! This, that, oh look! Items that distract while seductively making us believe a better version of ourselves is available through a purchase.

Even Renovation and DIY: another “productive” form of distraction when taken too far.

And escaping into a land of Fantasy. This one served a purpose in my childhood, but is harmful now. Do you ever create and get lost in lavish imagined stories with yourself as the central character, playing out whatever scenarios that are an antidote to your real life situations that are causing pain?

Other numbing tools people often use can be: Drinking, Drugs, Gossip, Extreme Exercise, Porn, Unhealthy Relationships. What are your go-to numbing tools to avoid all the difficult stuff that each day can throw at us?

It has been hard to face the reality that numbing had become a way of life for me. I could virtually walk through entire days numbed, avoiding experiencing emotions that were put there to guide me, to inform me – if I would only allow myself to sit and acknowledge them for a moment.

If you also find yourself in a pattern of numbing, the first thing you might want to do is identify the numbing tools you frequently use. And be real honest with yourself about what they are and the role they are playing in your life. You can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge! Then once you have the list, either written down or in your mind, decide you’ll begin by paying attention to the next time you reach for that tool. “I’m not hungry, I just got home from dinner with a group of friends, but now I find myself opening the fridge to see what I can snack on. What’s going on with that? This isn’t hunger driving me to want to eat more, it’s something else.” What is that something else? Did someone say something at dinner that was hurtful to you? Did anything occur with this group of people that is now causing you to feel anxious, depressed, sad, angry, stressed? Is that emotion overwhelming to you in this moment? Would eating distract you from having to experience the feeling? Can you stop for at least a moment to let yourself explore exactly what is going on? Can you identify what happened to make you feel this way? And if you can do all that, can you then allow yourself to be still for a moment to reflect upon what you are so invested in not feeling?

If you can begin to practice an awareness of your automatic responses when difficulties arise in your life a powerful shift can start to take place. Perhaps reassure yourself that feelings have limited power, they only have the power you give to them. Instead of running from the difficult feelings can you explore them a little, try them on, ask what it is they want to tell you? Simply sit with them for a moment before escaping them.

That’s where I began, even if it was for a fleeting second.  “Omg, I’m so embarrassed,” or “this really is so sad, I feel utterly heartbroken and there’s not much or anything I can do to change the situation. There’s leftover cake in the fridge, I deserve a slice. Wait, I’m trying to escape my sadness. Eating the piece of cake will most likely turn into two and even if I stop at one, I’m not going to feel any better afterwards. In fact, I know I will feel worse. What can I do instead right now to soothe myself in a healthy way? Can I take a bath, do I just need to go to bed and restore myself with sleep?”

It’s a slow process with wins and misses. Our coping mechanisms that we’ve developed over time to “protect” us from whatever it is that is hard to experience exist in our minds as well worn grooves of habit. Habits want to win, and oh is it ever hard to rewire our brains once a habit has taken hold.

And here is why it is so key to allow ourselves to experience all the range of emotions that come into our daily lives. They are here to teach and guide us. If we ignore them, they and the issues they are pointing to – the hurt and the problem – aren’t going to go away. In fact, left unaddressed they are likely going to grow in magnitude. It’s like this, the only way to address a problem is by going directly through it, not around, over or under – that’s avoidance. Recently I was trying to share how to successfully address a problem with one of my children saying: “If you try to go around it, or under or over it, the issue doesn’t go away. Like in a video game. You didn’t conquer the adversary, you just avoided it and in doing so absolutely guarantee that in the next scene that same character is going to pop up on the screen all over again. The only way to address a difficulty is by going through it.”

Ditto with all the feelings and emotions and hardships we want to run from. Examine them, get comfortable being uncomfortable to allow all these so hard to feel emotions and experiences guide and teach us what we need to learn.