Setting appropriate and healthy boundaries with those around us can be one of the most challenging aspects of taking the best care of ourselves. I really believe this to be true! Appropriate boundary setting requires having a clear and accurate sense of our self-worth. The owning of our worth is what allows us to properly decipher guidelines for all our various relationships, creating our personal rule book outlining intentional decisions we have made for what we will and will not do, be and accept from others.
When we are unclear of our worth, for example, it’s incredibly hard to say no to someone who wants us to do something that is in their best interest, but perhaps not our own. Versions of this scenario happen all the time, and if we don’t have the ability to set boundaries our days will become filled with commitments and interactions that push us in directions that are not in line with our best purpose.
Until recently I had a lot of confusion and conflict over setting boundaries with those around me. Much of what we need to learn in life is learned by the examples of those around us, initially our parents, siblings, extended family, later friends, teachers and even influential people that we may not know but that are in our lives through social media, the press, in our communities. If these relationships at any time, but particularly in the early years, expose us to inappropriate ways of interacting and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflicts that arise in everyday life, we will most likely not learn how to set up and maintain appropriate and healthy boundaries in our own lives. But, at some point we’ll need to learn, and what better time than now!
Boundaries are not set in stone, but rather can be shifting lines in the sand. Our playbook of boundaries will most likely be in constant rewriting mode. The need for boundaries, where exactly those lines might lie and with whom will be continually changing as relationships shift and situations arise, along with any growth and new awareness you are personally experiencing. Once we have a clear sense of our value it actually becomes pretty obvious what our boundaries need to be with those around us. If a difficulty is to arise it will most likely be when we attempt to put those boundaries in place, with the person on the other end pushing back saying, “What you are talking about?! What’s the problem?! It was okay before, you didn’t have an issue with this before, why now?” Expect kick back. It’s similar to implementing change in your life. People can have a really hard time with your changing the rules of the game on any and all aspects of the relationship you have with them.
I recently experienced this. I respectfully asked a friend to refrain from leaving ambiguous comments on my IG posts, comments that left me unsure of what they were saying to me. My gut instinctively felt the comments were passive aggressive, but rather than accusing them of that I instead reached out to say, hey, if you disagree with me on anything I post, rather than leaving a comment with an unclear meaning that can cause a potentially hurtful misunderstanding between us, can you instead reach out to me directly so we can discuss person to person anything my posts may be bringing up in you? I was setting a boundary to protect not only myself, but the trust aspect of our friendship. I won’t go into all the details, but this request was not received well. I was accused of being angry. “When you stop being angry we can discuss this!” I was not angry, I was setting up a boundary, and I repeated this over and over to them. I’m not angry, I’m respectfully asking you to be respectful of me – and our relationship – in the way you leave comments. “So I have to agree with you?!” No, absolutely not. Disagree away, but please do so directly to me for the sake of our friendship, please honor our relationship by being clear with what you are saying to me. ”
Unfortunately I was not able to successfully reach this person with the message I needed to deliver, that the friendship had a great deal of value to me, that I cared for them, but in this one area please can you respect my wishes for the reasons I have laid out. In this instance I was labeled toxic and have been blocked and erased from their friend circle. This has to be an extreme example, have faith, setting boundaries is possible without losing people left and right! I have successfully set boundaries with other individuals in my life and while it is always a delicate balance to shift and shake up the rules of a relationship mid-game, it’s possible and when done right, can greatly enhance the integrity and strength of a relationship.
Are there relationships in your life that could benefit from some healthy boundary setting? Who are these people, what are the areas between you and that person that cause difficulty? Are there expectations that don’t feel appropriate to you, are there obligations that leave you feeling spent, are there habits between the two of you that aren’t doing you any favors? What changes or shifts would help eliminate these well-worn grooves of behavior between the two of you? How would you go about implementing changes that would begin to install boundaries better suited to supporting healthy patterns of interaction between the two of you?
It’s worth pursuing. The cost of not having proper boundaries can be high and leave you spent and exhausted. You may end up losing a friend along the way, or strains could enter the relationship you are attempting steer in a better direction. But if you lose a relationship over your standing up for yourself, is that a relationship that was best suited for you in the first place?
Just asking. We each have to make up our minds what we will and will not put up with. My personal leash is getting shorter and shorter and at this moment, I’m completely okay with that.
rest heal grow 