I grew up being trained to live with a sense of dread. Ours was a conservative, religious household where the fear of God was drilled into us from a very young age. He could be a vengeful God, watching your every step. If you made a choice that was not to his liking, punishment was something you could bank on. The discipline within the household took its cues from this doctrine. This environment created fear and uncertainty because I could not predict what the reaction might be to any of my actions. While there was a long list of clear cut rules it was demanded I live by, often other seemingly innocent behavior was often judged to be sinful as well, and thus also punished. So as the years went by fear became a constant just under the surface. Be careful, bad is around any corner.
This mindset remains buried deep within my subconscious despite years of therapy and effort to free myself from irrational fears and the ever looming sense that something bad is about to happen. It can be a beautiful day, I can have plans that I am looking forward to, or have just come from a positive experience when fear can begin to seep in.
It helps tremendously to have routine and pattern, to get to yoga everyday, to be productive, to eat well, to stop and rationalize fears when they arise, to intentionally decide to resist negative thoughts and proactively replace them with gratitude. Moving from the random sense of bad to shift focus onto something specific and positive in which I can believe in. To also guard against negative messaging via any media I might come into contact with is huge. Yes, it is exhausting and it drains me. But at the same time I am determined to beat this beast. Do you have any similar thoughts that come into your day, bringing it down? Is there any advice you can share? What has helped for you?
rest heal grow 
Yes, I can so relate to this. I was taught, conditioned? Always be wary…never get too excited or feel happy because something “BAD” is going to happen! Through therapy, I learned it’s okay to enjoy the little/big things in life and not to feel guilty if I’m contented when other’s are having difficulties. To work on myself and actually be selfish…what a concept, lol! Dr. Christiane Northrup’s books and website have been a great resource for me.
Take care!
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I’m so sorry to hear you had such damaging training yet have found your path out of it to healing. That says a lot about you! And thank you so much for mentioning Dr. Christiane Northrup, I looked her up and starting with one of her audible books. Always looking for those who’s messages can help the healing process, so grateful.
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Oh I’m so sad that this is what you were raised in. I’ve met several people over the years who were raised in an environment of a vengeful God… however it’s so far from the truth. He is not vengeful, He is loving. He is not judging, He is full of grace. Ive learned to get up and read the Bible (actually listen to it on my Bible app)and find myself in awe. So many men and women constantly fell short and yet He loved them. I would encourage you to open up the book and get reacquainted with Him. See past what you were told, what you were taught to what is true. Find a church that is life giving and non judgemental. They’re out there. We actually go to a non-denominational one. This way doctrine is not pushed, just what the bible says. Praying for you. Have loved following you for all these years and wish you the best always. XO
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I’ve found the holistic psychologist feed on Instagram to give some really helpful guidance about how to reverse this old training. Has really made me reevaluate my daily patterns. She’s very consistent with what you are trying to do.
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