What an interesting season this is. I’ve never been to a place quite like this before, where everything is new with all the old habits, patterns and known entities stripped away. And I’m not just talking about this locale, being here in the desert, I’m referring to every aspect of my life. A couple weeks ago I was talking with my daughter, trying to describe how it feels to be here. I knew there was an exact word that would explain my state of mind perfectly, but I couldn’t find it. The next morning, however, I woke up with a start and the word was on the tip of my tongue: exile. I feel as if I am in exile. In a desert. Wandering. Meditating. Listening. Trying to figure out where to go from here. And not just physically, where does my life go from here?

Interestingly my kids have adapted incredibly well. They have friends, love the pool, the dog park, the weather, the new routine, they have become besties – which I adore. I’ve often urged them to appreciate each other more. “In the future, down the line when your dad and I are gone, you will be each other’s family and the connection you’ll desire – that needs to start now!” They finally get it, at least some of it. They deeply appreciate each other here when so much routine of their own, the friends they relied on without much thought or even adequate appreciation for are not here to keep them as socially active as they had been. Isabella also has a new job she’s incredibly happy and grateful for, saving money for her plans next year. They are doing better than I am with all the change. We’ve been bemused by this, I was the one most excited to come here, they had concerns, but now they don’t. It’s taught them change is okay, it’s okay and even great to try out other places, it’s not the end of anyone’s world.

But at times it has felt as if it is the end of mine. 57 years old. Starting over, or shifting gears, embracing new at every turn. It has unnerved me. Maybe it is because of my age versus theirs, pattern and habit has had a longer time to become ingrained in me. I have awakened each morning with a slightly uneasy sense in my stomach, rising up my throat. We are here, we aren’t home any longer. Now what? How do I make this a good day for the kids, for myself? It has been a struggle. I’ve been lonely, at times I’ve been scared. There have been some knocks and I’ve been searching to find the ground under my feet to steady myself.

Committing to my yoga practice has been vital in striving for this goal. Each morning in yoga it’s a miracle if tears aren’t shed at some point during the practice. So much is coming to me; new thoughts, clarity, perspective, regret, sadness, awareness, shame, disappointment, hope for the future. Whatever has come up I’ve looked at square in the eye. Sunday it was my grandmother’s words to love myself unconditionally, that I didn’t need to continue the expectation or search that love most be found from an outside source. Instead, all I need is already here right inside of me if I will only recognize and give it to myself.

That was a message of love which was comforting. Today’s message was harder to accept. Today the message was, “girl, you have a mean streak in you.” Sometimes when I get stressed or upset about something that has happened I get angry and can begin to vent in not the kindest of ways. Like this morning. I had gone outside to feed the dogs and my eyes wandered over the loungers along the pool. Seeing how dirty they were I felt a heat rise in me. Why do the kids let the dogs up on them? I’ve asked them not to. Now look at all the dirt on the seats, omg, and who is going to clean them?! The kids? No! ME! Stomping into the house to get a rag I’m visibly upset. My daughter, sitting in another area on a lounge eating her breakfast on this beautiful balmy morning before heading to school, notices I’m angry. I grab a rag and return to the pool area to scrub down the surfaces of the seating. She has seen me and knows I’m upset. I don’t try to stop myself, I feel entitled in my anger and inconvenience.

This scene replays while I lay on the mat in savasana. Omg. I’m mean. I can be a mean person. I am like my dad. I learned this from my dad. I have always been so judgmental of him, his anger, how mean he would get for no apparent reason. I’ve always hated him for that, how he was so justified in his anger that any action that followed was justified and permissible. Because I’ve never taken my anger directly out on anyone, physically, I’ve discounted and failed to see how my actions and words have wounded. I’m so deeply disappointed in myself, I feel shame and regret that my kids might see me in a light not unlike I’ve seen my dad. Yet I am also incredibly grateful. You can’t change what you don’t see, what you don’t own. I am owning this. I am ashamed and this is going to change. I don’t want to be an angry or mean person in my worst of moments, even if they are brief, it still matters tremendously. Later I had the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and have committed to addressing all that is in me that leads me to such a place.

This is what it has been to be here for the past two months. Each day I see another part of myself and my life in a clearer way. For once I’m not running away from what I see and I’m not making excuses or blaming someone else. If a word comes from my mouth it is mine, if an action comes from my spirit it is mine alone.

Driving with the kids this afternoon we discussed my ownership of this less than proud aspect of myself, and so many other things about our time since being here. It is a stunning spot on earth. As we drove along, passing hedges with quirky homes tucked behind them, palm trees breaking up the view of the mountains surrounding the valley, I was struck by the amazing grace I have been given to be here at this time in my life. To have a period of time to become quiet with myself, to be given a period where I’ve stepped away from that which I’ve known, to learn – and if I stay present, to grow. It’s an amazing gift. I mean really, if I have to be doing this work what an amazing place to do it. It’s beautiful, the weather has just shifted. The days are gorgeous and the evenings a treat to be out in the city, by the pool at home, or hanging with the kids and dogs at the dog park. Sure it’s lonely, sure it’s hard. But the work has to be done, on myself and for the kids, guiding them through things they need to work through as well. What a blessing, this time. To be able to go to yoga every day, to spend quality time with my kids, to get to work on a house, I love fixing up houses! To have time to study and consider what is next for me and a career, to help my daughter plan out her first year away from family. What a rare gift to be provided this opportunity. And a shift occurred today, the way I see being here and this time. I’m not going to waste this opportunity! I don’t know where it is leading us and I have no idea what is next. But that is not the point, the point is that if I do the hard work I’m meant to do, the future will take care of itself in the way it is meant to play out.

After the last post on being powerless, it’s vital to step up and reclaim. Reclaim that we have this, we can do this, it’s inside of us and no one can take that away.

For so long I looked outside of myself for love, validation, even meaning. If someone of substance wanted to hang with me it must mean I, by association, had substance as well, through their thumbs up to my existence.

But no! We are 💯 percent fine on our own, everything we need is available to us from within. We don’t need someone else to give us love, stability, validation. It’s already here within us, waiting for us to accept it. Sure, having trusted partners, loving family and friends in our life are beautiful gifts. And if you have those, treasure them. But what if you were stripped of them? We, and the power bigger than us by whatever definition you name it, hold all that we need to be full. Self love, self care, acceptance, nourishing our strengths, giving ourselves grace. You are enough and everything, standing on your own.

I have to weigh in. This topic is so heavy on my heart, for all the women that have tried to come forward with their sexual assault and not been believed, and for all those who have remained silent because they feared they would not be believed, dreading they would be blamed and shamed for the event if their accusations were even considered. The words of every person casting doubt on the truth of Christine Blasey Ford’s claim are the very reason women don’t come forward. ~
I was sexually assaulted in my mid-twenties when I went to a job interview. I’ve been through some hard stuff, but that experience left me deeply shaken for years, maybe even to today. I’ve never told the story publicly but I am now in support of Christine and any other woman out there in a similar, absolutely impossible spot. I did end up sharing a portion of the story to a friend not long after my attack occurred, and they urged me to go to the police. But I didn’t because I was so deeply ashamed. How had I been so stupid to get myself in such a situation, I should have been able to prevent what happened by foresight, listening to my instincts or getting myself out of the building faster than I did. I knew I would be blamed, if I was even believed. The shame was more than I could subject myself to on top of the trauma I’d already just been through.~
I deeply regret my decision and have often wondered if another girl fell victim to this horrible man. I’ve tried to research if there were any cases ever brought up around that time and have never found any. But I’m speaking up now. If you don’t believe Christine’s story, or know people who don’t, I’d bet anything you and they have never been on the receiving end of a sexual assault. If you had been you would have no doubt to the truth of her words, you would fear what Christine has, along with every other woman finding themselves in this tragic situation. We are silent because of what you – and the president – and so many other men, and woman, are saying about her and the countless women who have found themselves in her shoes.

(reposted from @houseoffifty instagram account)

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

― Anne Lamott

 

Seriously, one of the best quotes EVER.

 

Setting appropriate and healthy boundaries with those around us can be one of the most challenging aspects of taking the best care of ourselves. I really believe this to be true! Appropriate boundary setting requires having a clear and accurate sense of our self-worth. The owning of our worth is what allows us to properly decipher guidelines for all our various relationships, creating our personal rule book outlining intentional decisions we have made for what we will and will not do, be and accept from others.

When we are unclear of our worth, for example, it’s incredibly hard to say no to someone who wants us to do something that is in their best interest, but perhaps not our own. Versions of this scenario happen all the time, and if we don’t have the ability to set boundaries our days will become filled with commitments and interactions that push us in directions that are not in line with our best purpose.

Until recently I had a lot of confusion and conflict over setting boundaries with those around me. Much of what we need to learn in life is learned by the examples of those around us, initially our parents, siblings, extended family, later friends, teachers and even influential people that we may not know but that are in our lives through social media, the press, in our communities. If these relationships at any time, but particularly in the early years, expose us to inappropriate ways of interacting and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflicts that arise in everyday life, we will most likely not learn how to set up and maintain appropriate and healthy boundaries in our own lives. But, at some point we’ll need to learn, and what better time than now!

Boundaries are not set in stone, but rather can be shifting lines in the sand. Our playbook of boundaries will most likely be in constant rewriting mode. The need for boundaries, where exactly those lines might lie and with whom will be continually changing as relationships shift and situations arise, along with any growth and new awareness you are personally experiencing. Once we have a clear sense of our value it actually becomes pretty obvious what our boundaries need to be with those around us. If a difficulty is to arise it will most likely be when we attempt to put those boundaries in place, with the person on the other end pushing back saying, “What you are talking about?! What’s the problem?! It was okay before, you didn’t have an issue with this before, why now?” Expect kick back. It’s similar to implementing change in your life. People can have a really hard time with your changing the rules of the game on any and all aspects of the relationship you have with them.

I recently experienced this. I respectfully asked a friend to refrain from leaving ambiguous comments on my IG posts, comments that left me unsure of what they were saying to me. My gut instinctively felt the comments were passive aggressive, but rather than accusing them of that I instead reached out to say, hey, if you disagree with me on anything I post, rather than leaving a comment with an unclear meaning that can cause a potentially hurtful misunderstanding between us, can you instead reach out to me directly so we can discuss person to person anything my posts may be bringing up in you? I was setting a boundary to protect not only myself, but the trust aspect of our friendship. I won’t go into all the details, but this request was not received well. I was accused of being angry. “When you stop being angry we can discuss this!” I was not angry, I was setting up a boundary, and I repeated this over and over to them. I’m not angry, I’m respectfully asking you to be respectful of me – and our relationship – in the way you leave comments. “So I have to agree with you?!” No, absolutely not. Disagree away, but please do so directly to me for the sake of our friendship, please honor our relationship by being clear with what you are saying to me. ”

Unfortunately I was not able to successfully reach this person with the message I needed to deliver, that the friendship had a great deal of value to me, that I cared for them, but in this one area please can you respect my wishes for the reasons I have laid out. In this instance I was labeled toxic and have been blocked and erased from their friend circle. This has to be an extreme example, have faith, setting boundaries is possible without losing people left and right! I have successfully set boundaries with other individuals in my life and while it is always a delicate balance to shift and shake up the rules of a relationship mid-game, it’s possible and when done right, can greatly enhance the integrity and strength of a relationship.

Are there relationships in your life that could benefit from some healthy boundary setting? Who are these people, what are the areas between you and that person that cause difficulty? Are there expectations that don’t feel appropriate to you, are there obligations that leave you feeling spent, are there habits between the two of you that aren’t doing you any favors? What changes or shifts would help eliminate these well-worn grooves of behavior between the two of you? How would you go about implementing changes that would begin to install boundaries better suited to supporting healthy patterns of interaction between the two of you?

It’s worth pursuing. The cost of not having proper boundaries can be high and leave you spent and exhausted. You may end up losing a friend along the way, or strains could enter the relationship you are attempting steer in a better direction. But if you lose a relationship over your standing up for yourself, is that a relationship that was best suited for you in the first place?

Just asking. We each have to make up our minds what we will and will not put up with. My personal leash is getting shorter and shorter and at this moment, I’m completely okay with that.

Change can be incredibly hard, because doing something differently than how you did it in the past, or doing something for the first time is by its very nature difficult. But it can also challenging for another reason; change can be hard because of the reactions the changes you are undergoing or implementing illicit from the people around you. Your change doesn’t just affect you, it often creates a ripple effect that lands on others. People you thought were there for you might turn on you. If you are working on any major change in your life or addressing head on, problems that have caused you to stumble, getting in the way of your living the life you are capable of living – most likely you are going to upset some people around you. Maybe even big time.

There’s a saying about this, something along the lines of:  “When you change there are going to be people you’ll upset – because of what your changes bring up in them. They will do everything they can to get you to change back!” Changing back is what will allow them to continue to be comfortable in their lives. Hell, who likes change, right? I get it. Shaking things up in life is hard stuff!!! It can literally hurt, it is scary, there is so much unknown, self-doubt can come to play like a trophy is on the line.

Feedback and judgements you might be on the receiving end could include: “Who do you think you are?” “You are sure getting full of yourself!” “You’re a fake.” “You are going to fail, wake up, you can’t do this.” “What’s wrong with how things are, things are going fine, why do you feel the need to mess up a good thing?” If you find yourself on the receiving end of such comments consider doing this, add the words “…I’m afraid you will leave me behind,” after virtually any criticism suddenly it might be possible to have clarity as to why this person is saying what they are. Which in turn can often lead to understanding and compassion for your critic.

It’s vital to hear what any critic might be saying and ask yourself honestly if there is any truth or perspective in their words you can learn from. But then, let the rest go. Whatever they are saying and their criticism has more to do with them and what they aren’t facing than with you. As long as you can look yourself in the mirror and be at peace which your choices and decisions, knowing these changes are setting you in the direction you need to go, then carry on. In peace. In pride. In strength.

It’s not your job to ensure the comfort of others. Period. That’s their job.

Trust yourself. Change is going to ruffle the feathers of so many people around you, it’ll surprise you and it might even take your breath away with hostilities and emotions that may arise. But, and this is soooooo important, do not get derailed. If you are being true to your heart with clarity and honesty, trust yourself and continue with confidence down the new path you are creating.

 

I had become an extreme pro in the art of numbing over the years. Why feel anything that’s too much when a wide range of habits are at our fingertips for quick, easy and efficient numbing!

Sad? Numb. Angry? Numb. Depressed? Definitely numb. Stressed, anxious? Numb. Even feeling too much excitement or anticipation of something really good can prove to be more than one can comfortably feel, so bring on the numbing!

My favorite tools for numbing have been:

Food. Big time. This habit has been incredibly hard to stop despite years of trying, so I am incredibly grateful to be seeing significant healing in this area of late. It’s a big go-to numbing tool for so many of us! It’s socially acceptable to eat (as opposed to so many other numbing agents) and is always there for us. It can become like a constant friend of comfort. They only problem is that after offering up comfort, it turns on us leaving us feeling worse and in shame after eating our emotions.

T.V. Nothing like zoning out on someone else’s life or a session of mindless entertainment to be removed from your own worries.

Online Distractions. A vast and bottomless hole to get lost in.

Work. Until exhaustion hits, definitely a “productive” way to avoid what is going on around you.

Shopping. So many promises of the ideal life awaiting us through a session of shopping! This, that, oh look! Items that distract while seductively making us believe a better version of ourselves is available through a purchase.

Even Renovation and DIY: another “productive” form of distraction when taken too far.

And escaping into a land of Fantasy. This one served a purpose in my childhood, but is harmful now. Do you ever create and get lost in lavish imagined stories with yourself as the central character, playing out whatever scenarios that are an antidote to your real life situations that are causing pain?

Other numbing tools people often use can be: Drinking, Drugs, Gossip, Extreme Exercise, Porn, Unhealthy Relationships. What are your go-to numbing tools to avoid all the difficult stuff that each day can throw at us?

It has been hard to face the reality that numbing had become a way of life for me. I could virtually walk through entire days numbed, avoiding experiencing emotions that were put there to guide me, to inform me – if I would only allow myself to sit and acknowledge them for a moment.

If you also find yourself in a pattern of numbing, the first thing you might want to do is identify the numbing tools you frequently use. And be real honest with yourself about what they are and the role they are playing in your life. You can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge! Then once you have the list, either written down or in your mind, decide you’ll begin by paying attention to the next time you reach for that tool. “I’m not hungry, I just got home from dinner with a group of friends, but now I find myself opening the fridge to see what I can snack on. What’s going on with that? This isn’t hunger driving me to want to eat more, it’s something else.” What is that something else? Did someone say something at dinner that was hurtful to you? Did anything occur with this group of people that is now causing you to feel anxious, depressed, sad, angry, stressed? Is that emotion overwhelming to you in this moment? Would eating distract you from having to experience the feeling? Can you stop for at least a moment to let yourself explore exactly what is going on? Can you identify what happened to make you feel this way? And if you can do all that, can you then allow yourself to be still for a moment to reflect upon what you are so invested in not feeling?

If you can begin to practice an awareness of your automatic responses when difficulties arise in your life a powerful shift can start to take place. Perhaps reassure yourself that feelings have limited power, they only have the power you give to them. Instead of running from the difficult feelings can you explore them a little, try them on, ask what it is they want to tell you? Simply sit with them for a moment before escaping them.

That’s where I began, even if it was for a fleeting second.  “Omg, I’m so embarrassed,” or “this really is so sad, I feel utterly heartbroken and there’s not much or anything I can do to change the situation. There’s leftover cake in the fridge, I deserve a slice. Wait, I’m trying to escape my sadness. Eating the piece of cake will most likely turn into two and even if I stop at one, I’m not going to feel any better afterwards. In fact, I know I will feel worse. What can I do instead right now to soothe myself in a healthy way? Can I take a bath, do I just need to go to bed and restore myself with sleep?”

It’s a slow process with wins and misses. Our coping mechanisms that we’ve developed over time to “protect” us from whatever it is that is hard to experience exist in our minds as well worn grooves of habit. Habits want to win, and oh is it ever hard to rewire our brains once a habit has taken hold.

And here is why it is so key to allow ourselves to experience all the range of emotions that come into our daily lives. They are here to teach and guide us. If we ignore them, they and the issues they are pointing to – the hurt and the problem – aren’t going to go away. In fact, left unaddressed they are likely going to grow in magnitude. It’s like this, the only way to address a problem is by going directly through it, not around, over or under – that’s avoidance. Recently I was trying to share how to successfully address a problem with one of my children saying: “If you try to go around it, or under or over it, the issue doesn’t go away. Like in a video game. You didn’t conquer the adversary, you just avoided it and in doing so absolutely guarantee that in the next scene that same character is going to pop up on the screen all over again. The only way to address a difficulty is by going through it.”

Ditto with all the feelings and emotions and hardships we want to run from. Examine them, get comfortable being uncomfortable to allow all these so hard to feel emotions and experiences guide and teach us what we need to learn.

 

Until not long ago I was stuck in looking at the harsher challenges of my life with the question of “why?” Why did that have to happen? Why did I have to endure those hurts and incredible betrayals? “OMG Janell, just look at the lingering effects and setbacks those experiences continue to bring to your life, just imagine where you could be instead had those forces not been in play!” At this point in the thought process my mind would wander, thinking of various people, where they are at in their work, their life, so much further down the line than me at a younger age. “Well, I’d be there too if it wasn’t for being so messed up and distracted with pain all these years!”

Then slowly – gratefully – my mindset has began to shift and I believe this has been possible as I have begun to start living in a place of forgiveness. Through forgiving I finally can begin to accept and understand that this is the exact life I have been meant to live. From this place  of acceptance I can now see that my job at this moment is to continue to heal and explore what is next for me. What am I supposed to do from here? I don’t know, but I’m open to letting answers unfold.

To forgive is not a simple process. You can’t just wake up one morning and decide to forgive someone, not without all the work that is necessary to get to the point where to forgive a person comes from a truly genuine place. Depending on what needs to be forgiven, it can require a serious amount of work to arrive at the place where true forgiveness is even possible. And to forgive is not the same as forgetting. I will never be able to forget the things that a small handful of people believed it was in their right to do to me. But I can release my hate, accept I can’t change what was done and in some instances look at the situation from their point of view for some perspective and clarity. To forgive is in essence is for yourself, I believe, not for the person who inflicted the wrong. As long as you remain in a place where forgiveness is not possible you continue to live in a place of hurt with you continuing to pay the price. Often, and this has been the case for me, the people that you forgive may have had no ability to honestly and fully own their actions. If I waited for true acknowledgment, and even restitution, moving forward to a healthier place would never be available to me.

I imagine everyone’s process of arriving at a place of forgiveness is different. I’m sure there are exhaustive studies on this topic, and I should probably do some research before writing about it. But instead I’m speaking from my experience. First I had to explore my relationship with the person who hurt me very closely, to replay the scenes as honestly as I could, holding compassion and forgiveness for myself as I did so. I did not deserve that. I could not have prevented it. I coped in the ways available to me and I will no longer beat myself up for them. Instead I will be grateful I was able to access and create ways to cope that allowed me to survive.

Then comes anger. Fury. Real rage. I recall driving home from the beach a couple years ago, listening to Nirvana, replaying scenes in my head while shouting “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you had no right to do that, I hate you” over and over again until the words and tears began to release my pain. (And yes, I was alone in the car.)

As a side note, at this point I had the strength to confront a couple individuals directly that I still had contact with. That’s not always possible for a wide range of reasons, or even appropriate, and you have to be ready for a response that may not be to your liking. You couldn’t control their actions in the past and you will not be able to control them now. It’s vital to be ready to accept that whatever they give back to you in response may be all you are ever going to get.

I then sat with that awhile, not only their responses but the anger that allowed me to finally face them. These emotions and acts changed the way I saw that person, and myself. Now I was strong, not defenseless, now I’m defending myself and setting up, even if in retrospect, boundaries to protect myself.

And slowly, after living there for awhile, the degree of emotional involvement began to fade. So first, I laid out the stories of all that had happened as clearly and concisely as I could recall, forgiving myself and having gratitude for the habits and coping mechanisms I had developed and employed to make sure I got through those times, next permitting and giving myself permission to feel all the anger I needed to experience and confront people as was possible and necessary. Interestingly what followed was a period of quiet. I was worn out. I was spent. I had no more energy to invest in this story.

Then, and only then I believe – or have personally experienced – can forgiveness begin to take shape. It’s a release. A long sigh that goes on for the longest period of time until you are drained of the poison that used to fill your heart. You look up and see the person differently. The how varies depending on the person, what is forgiven and if you still have contact with them or if they are even alive.

This is where I am now, in varying stages for each person I’m in the process of forgiving. Some I do have relationships with, and with those I’ve installed a significant amount of distance and boundaries around how I will interact with them in the present. I will say this is incredibly tricky and there are a lot of variables that go into deciding if there will be contact in the future. It’s a series of choices, each needing to be weighed carefully with full acknowledgment of why such decisions are being made and to what end. I’m not sure what is next because I haven’t arrived there yet. But I can say that slowly being able to forgive is the very thing that is setting me free to live my life, to begin to understand and accept my life as it is and not what I had hoped it would be for so many years.

This was a heavy post to write that I feel on the fence about posting. Who the hell do you think you are sharing this stuff? What gives you the right? Why so incredibly serious girl?! But I am going to post, because it is my right to do so. For so long I held my silence because it was expected of me. And now I don’t have to, because I’m owning my life, all of it and it’s okay. I can take something dark and make it lighter by whether I choose to hide or live in the open.

I’m giving myself – and anyone of you that can relate and have been here – a big old high five!

 

What would you do if you weren’t nervous, afraid or worried about what somone else thinks of you? Or how doing that thing might illicit judgement from a person who’s opinion you value? This could be in any arena of life. Work, your clothes, how you decorate, what house you buy, what car you drive, how you decide to spend your leisure time, what you eat, what books or show you just love but definitely would be embarrassed should someone find out? ‘Ladies of London’ two years ago, I looked forward to that over the top self-indulgent show each week, because of how and where it was shot and the insane fashion those crazies wore. Wow! An hour of guilty pleasure. But did I want anyone to know? What would that say about my values or taste level?! 😮

Here’s the thing – and I have had to say it over and over again like a mantra until I started to believe it, allowing me to begin to put less emphasis on what others think – those people that are spending so much time obsessing over your every move… THEY AREN’T! People in general are fairly occupied with their own lives and concerns to the point there simply isn’t a whole lot of time left over in their day to be dwelling on what you are or aren’t doing. Unless you’re like really famous. God, that must be a real pain.

So listen. If no one is obsessing about your choices then why are you giving their opinion such power, influencing YOUR choices that have such an impact on YOUR LIFE! This type of thinking cuts you off from the truth that is you. Your authentic self is naturally drawn to the things that are the best fit for you, but once you analyze those choices through another person’s lens you are no longer following through with your life and its purpose but adopting a version that belongs to someone else.

Think about that.

As for me, what areas do I put too much emphasis on what others think? Right now I’d have to say I worry about the appropriateness of sharing my back story, of the abuses I’ve experienced in my life. I feel like it’s a verboten subject that will label me and color my chances of creating the life I know I’m meant for. If people were to know this about me it would put a scarlet letter on my chest, thus cutting me off from reaching my potential. Perhaps, if my aspirations were in a specific direction that destained any association with this truly tragic side of humanity. But I also think the opposite. By my denying and hiding this key part of who I am and how it has influenced the person I have become and the things that matter most to me, I’m actually creating or profigating the opposite of what I want; ensuring I don’t grow into my most authentic and successful self.

This morning I was having a little conversation with myself about what is TRULY important to me, apart from being a mom, and loving design and houses and real estate, travel and alternative health protocols, the earth. Okay, that’s a lot. But what came to mind was awareness of the abuse of children, how it has and is effecting way too many people and that the very silence around it only serves to give abusers more power, an opportunity to abuse and continue the abuse. It’s something I want to talk about more and perhaps someday figure out how to become involved in this area, to give the child I was a voice she didn’t have and perhaps in doing so help others find their voice.

So that is what I would do. If I didn’t care what anyone thought.

What would you do?

A lot of my posts here have had a theme of healing. So I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that someone just reached out to ask if I have a health issue, which underscores how I’ve been somewhat criptic in my writing. While I’m not going to go into all the details, I do want to talk a little about what has lead me to this point in my life where my focus truly is on healing and growth.

If I look back at all the years of my life one element that has been there from virtually the beginning is abuse, first from a trusted member of the family. When you are a little girl (or boy) and this happens it changes your life forever. Let me say this about child abuse, it is one of the most insidious acts – and I believe evil – a person can inflict upon another human being. A child has limited perspective and life experience, little ability to gauge improper behavior and treatment from those they’ve been conditioned to trust in a way that would allow them to defend themselves and access help. This voice has not yet been developed. The person inflicting the abuse is fully aware of this, using the child’s innocence to manipulate the situation to their advantage.

I remember the evening after my first episode of abuse, I was at a table with my cousins and brother, celebrating his birthday at my grandparents house. I was physically there but completely isolated, removed from those around me I loved, absent having retreated into my own world. Stuck in my head and hurting heart, terrified, I looked out with the deepest longing for something – but I didn’t know what. The what I couldn’t access was the ability to speak truth, because I didn’t know what it was. The idea that I could reach out to my beloved grandmother – who was the center of my world – to share what had happened to receive love, comfort and protection was a concept completely missing from my wheelhouse of knowledge. She and her support might as well have been a million miles away, that is how impossible it would have been for me to tell her what had happenedto be able access her help. I didn’t even really know I needed help. I didn’t know the rights and wrongs of what had happened earlier. Yet there I sat in deep shame, sadness and isolation.

The thing with abuse early on, it changes you. Period. How you see yourself, what you believe you are worth and what you deserve. And everything follows from there, most often leading to abuse after abuse as we don’t know how to make choices for ourselves that will lead us away from the very type of person who will not value and respect us in the way we deserve and deeply need.

That has been my path, and it’s left a long list of wounds that I’ve finally begun to address over the last two years. If you can relate to any of the above, if you have experienced any abuse in your life, please hear from me that you didn’t deserve any of it. And it’s left its mark. You deserve help and healing. And a better today and tomorrow. Find your voice, now as an adult, and get all the help you need to heal.

You deserve it. We all deserve healing. ❤️